Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
