At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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