we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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