My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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