I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
