why im i the only drunk person in the library?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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