I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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