Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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