Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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