Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
