There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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