She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
