Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
