that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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