Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
