conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
