I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
