can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
