I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
