His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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