seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize