Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
