I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
