Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
