If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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