By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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