I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
