When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
