Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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