I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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