I cannot find my penis.
someone owes me an orgasm
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
