I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
