how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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