What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize