I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
