she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it's not cheating when I paid for it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
