he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
third nipple confirmed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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