I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Be still, my beating vagina.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
