I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
