That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
