Tell her she can't have a vagina
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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