I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
