Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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