I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
