This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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