Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
