the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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