you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
