watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
