i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
