This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
