Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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