my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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