Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
