I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
