yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
