so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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