i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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