God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
