If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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