I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize