so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
