The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I deserve this hangover.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
