it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
