Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
