Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
