I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
