Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
